I would add (BFing specific), cluster feeding is NORMAL, it’s intense but is also a very short season of your life. So get support with all the things, stock up on snacks and entertainment and do your best to tune out the voices telling you your baby “isnt getting enough” and “maybe you need to top up with formula”. If BFing is having a detrimental effect on your mental health, that’s a different story!
Yes to this one! Cluster feeding is so demonised and misunderstood, I hear so many people say "the baby just wasn't getting enough milk, they just kept coming back for more so I had to get formula" and I'm like noooooooo, they were getting plenty, they were just doing what babies do!
Breastfeeding is a FULL-TIME job plus overtime (in the beginning)! I didn't realize how many hours would be devoted to nursing before I had my first baby. The needing to eat and hydrate beforehand, the actual feeding/emptying breasts on both sides, the burping after, etc. etc. It's a lot! I was lucky to have been able to do it (very rocky start with my first--mastitis, clogs, nipple infection) for as long as I did (didn't need to return to work immediately, so I breastfed for 40 months between my two daughters, who are 20 months apart).
Oh god yeah, such a massive commitment! In the very early days it almost feels like they start feeding again the second they finish the last feeding cycle, doesn't it? Like you finish the burping and they're hungry again
100%. I found that there’s a sweet spot between 3 and 6 months when they can empty a boob pretty quickly, then you start introducing solids while maintaining milk feeds and feeding feels like a full time job all over again.🤪 Wonderful that you could feed for so long.
A full-on formula love fest, or... nothing. Very little accessible support, support that might actually suck... you truly have to fight to breastfeed, which is so insane.
Great list!! I didn't try co-sleeping until baby #3... absolute gamechanger.
It really is, especially with how hard they push it during pregnancy. All I heard all three times was breast is best, and then when I had a horrific feeding journey with my first all anyone could say was "it's supposed to hurt" and "fed is best!" I felt so dismissed
My biggest recommendation is set up a safe bedsharing situation because at some point you’ll be so exhausted you may fall asleep with your baby & you’ll be glad you did it safely.
-Your postpartum plan (meals, rest, help, etc) matters more than your nursery or your stroller system. Invest your time/money in a plan for nourishing meals and help at home
-for the love, stay in bed or on the couch for AT LEAST two weeks! If we all stopped pretending to bounce back, maybe our daughters will learn that it’s normal to rest and slow down postpartum
-it’s ok to change your mind about going back to work.
-your baby might never take a bottle, and your husband can bond with the baby in other ways. Take the pressure off and just give them the boob ✨
Standing ovation for this comment, big yes to every one. The pressure for mums to combi feed so dads can 'bond' has always been wild to me – feeding isn't the only way to connect with a baby!
YES to all! My biggest takeaway from 4 years of being a parent - don't listen to anyone. You know your body and your children better than anyone. Do what you think is best (after a thorough research 😉)
I’d say: it takes about 9 months to begin feeling even vaguely like yourself then the teething ramps up and then you only begin to feel even a bit normal when they turn 3.
Tell me more about this ... We are planning to wait until my daughter is 3 to have another one as we just feel we need that space, and she's quite sensitive so we think for her temperament having a bigger gap is better, but I'm curious as to what about 3 has made it hard for you!
For my boys, it was just quite an emotional age. They both skipped the 'terrible twos,' but the threenager stage was well and truly in motion. They just had a lot of 'big feelings' (tantrums) and were very very high energy.
BUT! Every child is different. Plus, they were still lovely and we still had some amazing times during those years.
If she's sensitive to change, I'd 100% recommend reading Siblings Without Rivalry when the time comes, it has some amazing tips for navigating sibling dynamics
Thank you for your reply! That's really helpful. I'll definitely get that book.
My daughter has been well into the tantrums/meltdowns since well before 18m so we definitely haven't skipped it 😆😮💨 so I'm just hoping that side of things gets a bit easier by 3. She's sensitive, a deep thinker and so observant and hyper aware of everything going on around her (plus extremely autonomous) so that plays into it and I'm imagining the resulting big feelings will space out with time.
So I have a friend with a daughter exactly like this. I think she was two when her brother arrived. She has grown into such a compassionate, empathetic little girl, and she absolutely adores her brother. They’re hard work sometimes, the more sensitive ones (I have one myself) but they can blossom into such wonderful humans with the right nurturing (which I’m sure you’re giving her, from the way you’ve described her!)
Yes to all! Still find it insane that co-sleeping is not the norm. (Which it is in many parts of the world.) I’m convinced so many more mums would be doing better, if society embraced cosleeping.
Absolute agree with you. I know so many parents whose problems would be solved by co-sleeping, but it's so hard to go against the grain when everyone is telling you to sleep train instead
I'd add it's okay to say 'no' to visitors for as long as you need to, including family members. I had my first during COVID, so it was automatically okay to decline guests. I was secretly so relieved because I had a lot of anxiety about relatives being all up in my personal space after our baby's arrival. I look back on those days, and, though they were incredibly hard, I think they would have been even more stressful with family around.
You don’t have to enroll in 6827363 classes and fill every day with 182737228 different activities. Your baby will be okay if you prefer to take it slower.
And tummy time might suck. Your baby might absolutely hate it. (Mine did and I stressed out over it A LOT. It ruined fair few days). It’s okay to not do it constantly. Your baby will be okay. And it counts if they’re on your chest!
The tummy time reminder is so important. So much pressure to plonk them on the floor, when it 100% counts just to have them lie on their tummy on your chest
It is a bit much, isn't it. Tummy time is important, but the advice should actually be (in my opinion) "make sure they don't spend all of their time with pressure on the back of their head." That's what tummy time is trying to achieve – to try and reduce their risk of a flat head (which could cause issues). But no-one clarifies that! They just say do tummy time and then shrug when your baby doesn't like it. It's so annoying.
I actually have training in tummy time so might do a whole post on this at some point, get my ranting out in one place, haha
Massive one for co-sleeping ESPECIALLY if you have a c-section. Trying to get up speedily to a crying baby just isn’t going to happen while that is healing.
Also on BF, baby is going to cluster feed 24-48 hrs after the birth. Just get a show you want to watch, ensconce yourself on the couch for that time and doze anytime the baby sleeps. I wish someone told me it was normal for a baby to feed every hour for the first 2-3 days. With my first, I was recovering from a c-section, struggling with the feeding every hour and crying hysterically because I was so tired and alone.
I mean, I heard the term, but you also kind of need to remind the new mum after the birth too. She’s like dealing with the whole thing and excuse her for not remembering some random bit of antenatal classes when she’s sore, sleep deprived, hormonal and has a baby to not drop. Its like you shouldn’t leave a new mum alone for the first few weeks postpartum so she can ask all those questions…
I still remember how bewildering it was to realise all of the midwife support etc was cut off at 10 days. They definitely need to start thinking more about how new mums will be supported in those early days, SO many unanswered questions
I have napped with my daughter for basically all of her sleeps since birth that I am at home for (she's almost 2). Always been a koala baby (needing lots of contact) and I truly feel she was sent to me to tell me to slow down and embrace rest.
Both my daughters had one. Daughter #1, I never got it corrected and literally squirmed with pain every time she nursed for two years. Daughter #2 got diagnosed with one at birth by the midwife, I got it corrected, and it was insane how different the experience was.
Well done you for powering through. Poppet had absolutely no mobility in his tongue and it wasn't picked up for weeks – people just kept telling me pain was normal. He pretty much chewed my nipples off and I had to stop feeding him because I kept getting ill. It was horrible
Second and third were checked and didn't have a tongue tie, the experience was worlds apart!
I would add: it’s okay to have help. It’s okay to let someone else hold the baby. It’s okay to take a nap or shower while someone else watches the baby. It won’t make your bond any less, and hopefully at least you’ll smell better
I think I'd say the exact same! Also the co-sleeping thing, if you are and you're not sleeping... try not co-sleeping. We started because everyone told me it would be easier, but I didn't sleep as I was so worried about him suffocating! As soon as he went in his cot, not only did he start sleeping through the night, but I did too!
And, even with all kinds of professional support, breastfeeding still might not work. It wasn't until my second baby and like four lactation consultants that it became clear that it wasn't the latch, it wasn't too little pumping, medication wouldn't help, it wasn't anything I could control. I just didn't have a letdown. Letting that go gave me peace and I wish I could have helped Past Me realize that so much sooner with baby #1 so she could get on with living.
Breastfeeding is so hard sometimes, emotionally as much as anything else. I'm so glad you were able to find peace in your situation, that sounds so hard
- don’t even bother with a ‘nursery’. batch cook some freezer meals instead.
- always ALWAYS trust your instincts. advocate for you and your children. it feels uncomfortable at first but get comfortable quick. you and your children are the most important thing.
- don’t have visitors for ages - weeks. unless it’s someone who will actually help. preserve that newborn bubble for as long as possible.
- newborn babies don’t need toys or entertainment, they just need you.
Yay to all! I struggled with sleep when the baby sleep with baby 1, now baby 2 is about to make an entrance it’s on top of my list (my daughter will be just starting school). Co sleeping is defo a huge one (saved our sanity)!
Trust your gut, shut off the gram and people’s comments, it’s all contradictory anyways
Find your village - not an easy one but identify the real supportive people, the one that make you feel better ( for me it’s people who listen and don’t try to constantly solve things )
My mantra: it’s a season, I had ppa with my first because I could not believe the sleepless nights, the never ending feeds, the feeling of not being me would one day pass. So for most things (unless your instinct says otherwise) will pass 🧡
I would add (BFing specific), cluster feeding is NORMAL, it’s intense but is also a very short season of your life. So get support with all the things, stock up on snacks and entertainment and do your best to tune out the voices telling you your baby “isnt getting enough” and “maybe you need to top up with formula”. If BFing is having a detrimental effect on your mental health, that’s a different story!
Yes to this one! Cluster feeding is so demonised and misunderstood, I hear so many people say "the baby just wasn't getting enough milk, they just kept coming back for more so I had to get formula" and I'm like noooooooo, they were getting plenty, they were just doing what babies do!
It makes me so sad!
Breastfeeding is a FULL-TIME job plus overtime (in the beginning)! I didn't realize how many hours would be devoted to nursing before I had my first baby. The needing to eat and hydrate beforehand, the actual feeding/emptying breasts on both sides, the burping after, etc. etc. It's a lot! I was lucky to have been able to do it (very rocky start with my first--mastitis, clogs, nipple infection) for as long as I did (didn't need to return to work immediately, so I breastfed for 40 months between my two daughters, who are 20 months apart).
Oh god yeah, such a massive commitment! In the very early days it almost feels like they start feeding again the second they finish the last feeding cycle, doesn't it? Like you finish the burping and they're hungry again
100%. I found that there’s a sweet spot between 3 and 6 months when they can empty a boob pretty quickly, then you start introducing solids while maintaining milk feeds and feeding feels like a full time job all over again.🤪 Wonderful that you could feed for so long.
A full-on formula love fest, or... nothing. Very little accessible support, support that might actually suck... you truly have to fight to breastfeed, which is so insane.
Great list!! I didn't try co-sleeping until baby #3... absolute gamechanger.
It really is, especially with how hard they push it during pregnancy. All I heard all three times was breast is best, and then when I had a horrific feeding journey with my first all anyone could say was "it's supposed to hurt" and "fed is best!" I felt so dismissed
My biggest recommendation is set up a safe bedsharing situation because at some point you’ll be so exhausted you may fall asleep with your baby & you’ll be glad you did it safely.
YES! Absolutely. (For anyone reading this wondering how to do this – google the safe sleep 7)
For sure! Safe Sleep 7!
I would add:
-Your postpartum plan (meals, rest, help, etc) matters more than your nursery or your stroller system. Invest your time/money in a plan for nourishing meals and help at home
-for the love, stay in bed or on the couch for AT LEAST two weeks! If we all stopped pretending to bounce back, maybe our daughters will learn that it’s normal to rest and slow down postpartum
-it’s ok to change your mind about going back to work.
-your baby might never take a bottle, and your husband can bond with the baby in other ways. Take the pressure off and just give them the boob ✨
Standing ovation for this comment, big yes to every one. The pressure for mums to combi feed so dads can 'bond' has always been wild to me – feeding isn't the only way to connect with a baby!
YES to all! My biggest takeaway from 4 years of being a parent - don't listen to anyone. You know your body and your children better than anyone. Do what you think is best (after a thorough research 😉)
ABSOLUTELY! No-one knows your baby or your parenting journey like you do
Damn right about number 13.
I’d say: it takes about 9 months to begin feeling even vaguely like yourself then the teething ramps up and then you only begin to feel even a bit normal when they turn 3.
Yep. Teething does make things a bit cray for a while doesn't it
Oh my word. I have been saying 3 years for a long time. My littlest is now 3, but w 5 years btwn each of mine, I've seen that pattern each time.
I totally agree. My youngest just turned 3, and I'm *just* starting to feel like we've all turn a new corner. It's great.
I have a three year old and it's pure chaos. Hoping four is better (also have a 1 year old).
3 is the hardest age IMO (I have four kids). Hang in there!
Tell me more about this ... We are planning to wait until my daughter is 3 to have another one as we just feel we need that space, and she's quite sensitive so we think for her temperament having a bigger gap is better, but I'm curious as to what about 3 has made it hard for you!
For my boys, it was just quite an emotional age. They both skipped the 'terrible twos,' but the threenager stage was well and truly in motion. They just had a lot of 'big feelings' (tantrums) and were very very high energy.
BUT! Every child is different. Plus, they were still lovely and we still had some amazing times during those years.
If she's sensitive to change, I'd 100% recommend reading Siblings Without Rivalry when the time comes, it has some amazing tips for navigating sibling dynamics
Thank you for your reply! That's really helpful. I'll definitely get that book.
My daughter has been well into the tantrums/meltdowns since well before 18m so we definitely haven't skipped it 😆😮💨 so I'm just hoping that side of things gets a bit easier by 3. She's sensitive, a deep thinker and so observant and hyper aware of everything going on around her (plus extremely autonomous) so that plays into it and I'm imagining the resulting big feelings will space out with time.
So I have a friend with a daughter exactly like this. I think she was two when her brother arrived. She has grown into such a compassionate, empathetic little girl, and she absolutely adores her brother. They’re hard work sometimes, the more sensitive ones (I have one myself) but they can blossom into such wonderful humans with the right nurturing (which I’m sure you’re giving her, from the way you’ve described her!)
I agree, 3 was the hardest age with both of my boys
We are approaching 4 in November 🙏🏼🙌🏼
You can do it!
Yes to all! Still find it insane that co-sleeping is not the norm. (Which it is in many parts of the world.) I’m convinced so many more mums would be doing better, if society embraced cosleeping.
Absolute agree with you. I know so many parents whose problems would be solved by co-sleeping, but it's so hard to go against the grain when everyone is telling you to sleep train instead
I'd add it's okay to say 'no' to visitors for as long as you need to, including family members. I had my first during COVID, so it was automatically okay to decline guests. I was secretly so relieved because I had a lot of anxiety about relatives being all up in my personal space after our baby's arrival. I look back on those days, and, though they were incredibly hard, I think they would have been even more stressful with family around.
100%
You don’t have to pass your baby around!
You don’t have to enroll in 6827363 classes and fill every day with 182737228 different activities. Your baby will be okay if you prefer to take it slower.
And tummy time might suck. Your baby might absolutely hate it. (Mine did and I stressed out over it A LOT. It ruined fair few days). It’s okay to not do it constantly. Your baby will be okay. And it counts if they’re on your chest!
Also big fat yes to number 14! 😏
The tummy time reminder is so important. So much pressure to plonk them on the floor, when it 100% counts just to have them lie on their tummy on your chest
This! I always think: I never met a grown-up with a floppy neck whose mummy ‘didn’t do enough tummy time’….
It is a bit much, isn't it. Tummy time is important, but the advice should actually be (in my opinion) "make sure they don't spend all of their time with pressure on the back of their head." That's what tummy time is trying to achieve – to try and reduce their risk of a flat head (which could cause issues). But no-one clarifies that! They just say do tummy time and then shrug when your baby doesn't like it. It's so annoying.
I actually have training in tummy time so might do a whole post on this at some point, get my ranting out in one place, haha
I meant big fat yes to 15! But also yes to 14 😅😂
😂
Massive one for co-sleeping ESPECIALLY if you have a c-section. Trying to get up speedily to a crying baby just isn’t going to happen while that is healing.
Also on BF, baby is going to cluster feed 24-48 hrs after the birth. Just get a show you want to watch, ensconce yourself on the couch for that time and doze anytime the baby sleeps. I wish someone told me it was normal for a baby to feed every hour for the first 2-3 days. With my first, I was recovering from a c-section, struggling with the feeding every hour and crying hysterically because I was so tired and alone.
I hadn't even thought of the c-section angle, must be so hard to do ANYTHING quickly after a massive op!
It's wild how little people talk about cluster feeding. I went to an actual breastfeeding class and I'm sure it was never mentioned
I mean, I heard the term, but you also kind of need to remind the new mum after the birth too. She’s like dealing with the whole thing and excuse her for not remembering some random bit of antenatal classes when she’s sore, sleep deprived, hormonal and has a baby to not drop. Its like you shouldn’t leave a new mum alone for the first few weeks postpartum so she can ask all those questions…
I still remember how bewildering it was to realise all of the midwife support etc was cut off at 10 days. They definitely need to start thinking more about how new mums will be supported in those early days, SO many unanswered questions
My mantra was: don’t do anything while the baby sleeps that you can do while they’re awake.
Some days, that meant sleeping. Some days, it meant doing something for myself.
But it sure meant I didn’t spent nap times folding laundry!
That helped me reclaim some sense of myself during the early years of motherhood.
This is a great list!
Yes, absolutely! Even if you don't sleep when the baby sleeps, don't waste that time scrubbing the hobs, you'll only resent it
Yes! That saved me a lot of sanity and helped me hang on to a tiny amount of time for myself.
Agree! I tell every new mum this.
I have napped with my daughter for basically all of her sleeps since birth that I am at home for (she's almost 2). Always been a koala baby (needing lots of contact) and I truly feel she was sent to me to tell me to slow down and embrace rest.
It’s so lovely that you took that message and ran with it, I bet you’d have gotten much less sleep if you’d fought it
If Breastfeeding hurts, and keeps hurting, get baby checked for a tounge tie.
Oh my word, I can’t believe I forgot to include this one. ABSOLUTELY! My first had a tongue tie and it was BRUTAL
Both my daughters had one. Daughter #1, I never got it corrected and literally squirmed with pain every time she nursed for two years. Daughter #2 got diagnosed with one at birth by the midwife, I got it corrected, and it was insane how different the experience was.
Well done you for powering through. Poppet had absolutely no mobility in his tongue and it wasn't picked up for weeks – people just kept telling me pain was normal. He pretty much chewed my nipples off and I had to stop feeding him because I kept getting ill. It was horrible
Second and third were checked and didn't have a tongue tie, the experience was worlds apart!
I would add: it’s okay to have help. It’s okay to let someone else hold the baby. It’s okay to take a nap or shower while someone else watches the baby. It won’t make your bond any less, and hopefully at least you’ll smell better
Haha yes, definitely OK! And to feel no guilt in it, either. I was terrible at this, and I smelled awful (like a farm!) 😂
I think I'd say the exact same! Also the co-sleeping thing, if you are and you're not sleeping... try not co-sleeping. We started because everyone told me it would be easier, but I didn't sleep as I was so worried about him suffocating! As soon as he went in his cot, not only did he start sleeping through the night, but I did too!
Yes, this too! You have to just try and do what works for you and your baby – whatever gets you more sleep.
And, even with all kinds of professional support, breastfeeding still might not work. It wasn't until my second baby and like four lactation consultants that it became clear that it wasn't the latch, it wasn't too little pumping, medication wouldn't help, it wasn't anything I could control. I just didn't have a letdown. Letting that go gave me peace and I wish I could have helped Past Me realize that so much sooner with baby #1 so she could get on with living.
Breastfeeding is so hard sometimes, emotionally as much as anything else. I'm so glad you were able to find peace in your situation, that sounds so hard
- don’t even bother with a ‘nursery’. batch cook some freezer meals instead.
- always ALWAYS trust your instincts. advocate for you and your children. it feels uncomfortable at first but get comfortable quick. you and your children are the most important thing.
- don’t have visitors for ages - weeks. unless it’s someone who will actually help. preserve that newborn bubble for as long as possible.
- newborn babies don’t need toys or entertainment, they just need you.
🫶🏼
Ha, my second and third NEVER used their nurseries, but I did love putting them together (burned off some nesting energy, if nothing else)
Completely agree on everything else, especially batch cooking and newborn entertainment.
Yay to all! I struggled with sleep when the baby sleep with baby 1, now baby 2 is about to make an entrance it’s on top of my list (my daughter will be just starting school). Co sleeping is defo a huge one (saved our sanity)!
Trust your gut, shut off the gram and people’s comments, it’s all contradictory anyways
Find your village - not an easy one but identify the real supportive people, the one that make you feel better ( for me it’s people who listen and don’t try to constantly solve things )
My mantra: it’s a season, I had ppa with my first because I could not believe the sleepless nights, the never ending feeds, the feeling of not being me would one day pass. So for most things (unless your instinct says otherwise) will pass 🧡
Brilliant thoughts, thank you for sharing. I hope your birth goes well, and that you get a sleeper 🤞🏻