Loved this so much! I could have written a very similar account of my son. I too, fell for the sleep training trap and it’s truly the only thing I regret in my life. He was not the baby (or toddler, or preschooler for that matter) that could sleep on his own. Once I stopped trying to change that about him, we were all so much happier (and got a lot more sleep!) He now happily sleeps in his own bed ☺️
Oh it's so hard isn't it, I felt so uncomfortable admitting that we'd been duped into sleep training that I genuinely feared it might be something I'd never be able to write about. I was so ashamed, which is awful, because I was so, so sleep deprived and that woman clearly preyed on that – what a way to make a living, hey?
Pickle is a brilliant sleeper now, I never thought I'd see the day.
P.S. If anyone reads this and thinks I'm judging them for sleep training, I'm not. I just never wanted to take that path myself, and knew it wouldn't work for Pickle as he was such a sensitive soul – should have trusted myself more than some stranger from the internet.
Bravo to you for this excellent missive and also bravo to Peach for setting up shop in her own space. So many things to celebrate, really, in the development of our children. We all stress over some aspect (all?) of our roles as parents, but when my boys were babies, I was blessed to be surrounded by a community of "whatever works" advocates. We're all different, and for some of us, the rules fit and stay, for others the goal posts move often. Whatever works.
Thank you. She is doing well, bless her. She's only in there for the first couple of hours of the night right now, but she's taken to it quite well, and loves sitting in there reading her books and playing with her dollies.
I'm really lucky where I am, too, as a lot of people do co-sleep here (same for people breastfeeding for longer than "the norm") but we had a lot of outside voices from further afield pressuring us to stop when Pickle was really small. I'm glad we were able to shut those voices out eventually.
Man, that first quote from the msn article made me feel very exposed 😥 Thank you for sharing this. Cosleeping utterly saved me too. Can I ask, how did the transition into her room go?!
HONESTLY, the AUDACITY of some people – as though sleep training is a one size fits all, and works for every baby. I have had days in which I am so sleep deprived I can barely speak, not once have I smugly sat down and boasted about how tired I am. Shame based marketing is just the absolute worst, I find it disgusting.
So she's only in there at the start of the night, we're taking it at her pace so I expect she'll still be co-sleeping with us for a good while yet, but she's happy to do bedtime in there and to lie down in her little bed/be laid down in it once she's drifted off. Once she wakes up she comes straight through to us, but I'm fine with that. Slow and steady wins the race!
Love this piece! Beautifully said. What stands out for me is this lesson I keep having to learn over and over: that all the lessons I learned (and all the praise I gave myself for things she learned
easily) mean nothing held up against the magnifying glass of the second child. What works for one might not work for all, and that’s ok!
Man, this morning the little one was asleep on my arms in bed and he was giggling and laughing in his sleep and my god I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
Oh man, this is beautiful and made me tear up big time. 😭 My daughter is two and we still share my bed for sleep, but I know those days are numbered. Also, we must be on the same wavelength as I just published a piece on something similar today (cosleeping, sensitive babies with special sleep needs, etc)! It is so heartening to know that a lot of us moms share a similar journey in baby sleep. Sometimes I feel like the weirdo in my friend group. The one who sleeps with their child - *gasp!*
Someone literally gasped when I said I co-sleep recently, and acted really disgusted? I was livid 😂 I do think so many of us are doing it though, I know the majority of my friends do or have done
I love your writing and find everything fascinating but what I REALLY would LOVE to know is where you got the wicker baskets in Peach’s room because I have been looking for wicker baskets constantly for the past week ❤️
I bet it feels so long ago, doesn’t it. My 4 year old co-slept with me for two years and it sometimes feels like it never happened. I don’t regret a second of it.
We paid (a lot) for a few sessions with a “sleep expert.” She spent the first 15 minutes giving some spiel about how humans are the only mammals who cannot walk or fend for themselves for years. Fine but not helpful re. Baby not sleeping.
Then, second session, she started delivering EXACTLY the same script - word for word. C’mon now?
It’s so annoying isn’t it? I did the training myself and am technically a qualified sleep educator (look at me, bragging) so I get that there are certain things they have to say and do for safety reasons, but honestly some of them are just so robotic. Like honestly, you’re being paid a small fortune, do SOMETHING helpful
This brings back memories. I bought that ridiculous angel care monitor (I think that's what it was called) that false-positive-beeped ALL THE FUCKING TIME but that was how I lived with my kid sleeping on her stomach. It was that, or we both die from extreme sleep deprivation.
Oh my god was that the little sock thing? A friend had one and said she was up most nights panicking when it said the baby had no heartbeat. The TRAUMA!
Cosleeping saved my sanity. BC I swore I would never, ever do it. But we also had a terrible sleeper who hated being put down and would instantly wake up, followed by a baby with reflux who could NOT sleep on his back. My kids are older now and in their own beds, but still feel safe crawling in with us when they get scared. There’s something to be said for that level of secure attachment (despite the months and years of being kicked in the kidneys).
Completely agree, I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t given into it. Certainly don’t think I’d have gone for the third! I think it does give them a real sense of ‘if I need her, she’s just in there,’ I’d imagine that helps more than hinders in the long run
Thank you for this, i’m not insane! My baby was similar to your 3rd, a good sleeper - until she wasn’t, around 5 months. She woke up in her bassinet in shorter and shorter intervals and although she did the same as your first - fell asleep quicklyish - on her night wakes she was distraught. She would wail and scream, her breath would hitch and she would practically shake with distress. She did not calm down but would pass out the second i picked her up when i eventually relented because she was getting more and more distressed.
My husband nixed it. Now, if she wakes, she comes in with me, cuddles in, and sleeps really well. She reaches out for me sometimes, and her little happy face sleeping curled up next to me brings me a joy i can’t explain.
What gets me is the people that think when i say scream i mean fussing. She screams, she is so clearly distressed and panicked as she sobs and can’t catch her breath there’s no mistaking it. This isn’t a grumbly protest; it’s i’m petrified. I’m glad she sleeps mostly ok next to me, otherwise i don’t know what i’d do.
You are definitely not insane. Baby sleep is SO hard and SO unpredictable. I think the hardest part – and definitely the bit that's not talked about enough – is how isolating it can feel when your support network doesn't understand what the issue is, or why you're attending to it the way you are. I'm sorry your husband nixed your efforts, but I think it's great you are trusting your instincts, and giving your baby what she needs. It sound like you're doing an amazing job, and that joy when she's all curled up next to you is such a special reward
I completely get it, too, on the screaming. Pickle (the one I first ended up co-sleeping with) was a real screamer. He never, ever woke up and grumbled, he'd literally wake up shrieking. It was so jarring, and a horrible way to be woken, haha. As I said in the post, he then wouldn't go down without me, and to be honest trying to get him to do so just felt wrong – he was so clearly distressed and in need of me. He grew out of it, and I'm sure your daughter will too. In the meantime, take a moment to feel proud of all that you're doing. It's not bloody easy, but you're giving her exactly what she needs – you. You're smashing it.
Thanks so much for reading, and for the restack. I've always really respected what you do, and how much your work helps people, so it means a lot that you shared :)
Love cosleeping with my kid so much. Can’t wait for it to end.
YUP.
Well said
Loved this so much! I could have written a very similar account of my son. I too, fell for the sleep training trap and it’s truly the only thing I regret in my life. He was not the baby (or toddler, or preschooler for that matter) that could sleep on his own. Once I stopped trying to change that about him, we were all so much happier (and got a lot more sleep!) He now happily sleeps in his own bed ☺️
Thank you for writing it was a pleasure to read!
Oh it's so hard isn't it, I felt so uncomfortable admitting that we'd been duped into sleep training that I genuinely feared it might be something I'd never be able to write about. I was so ashamed, which is awful, because I was so, so sleep deprived and that woman clearly preyed on that – what a way to make a living, hey?
Pickle is a brilliant sleeper now, I never thought I'd see the day.
P.S. If anyone reads this and thinks I'm judging them for sleep training, I'm not. I just never wanted to take that path myself, and knew it wouldn't work for Pickle as he was such a sensitive soul – should have trusted myself more than some stranger from the internet.
Bravo to you for this excellent missive and also bravo to Peach for setting up shop in her own space. So many things to celebrate, really, in the development of our children. We all stress over some aspect (all?) of our roles as parents, but when my boys were babies, I was blessed to be surrounded by a community of "whatever works" advocates. We're all different, and for some of us, the rules fit and stay, for others the goal posts move often. Whatever works.
Thank you. She is doing well, bless her. She's only in there for the first couple of hours of the night right now, but she's taken to it quite well, and loves sitting in there reading her books and playing with her dollies.
I'm really lucky where I am, too, as a lot of people do co-sleep here (same for people breastfeeding for longer than "the norm") but we had a lot of outside voices from further afield pressuring us to stop when Pickle was really small. I'm glad we were able to shut those voices out eventually.
Man, that first quote from the msn article made me feel very exposed 😥 Thank you for sharing this. Cosleeping utterly saved me too. Can I ask, how did the transition into her room go?!
HONESTLY, the AUDACITY of some people – as though sleep training is a one size fits all, and works for every baby. I have had days in which I am so sleep deprived I can barely speak, not once have I smugly sat down and boasted about how tired I am. Shame based marketing is just the absolute worst, I find it disgusting.
So she's only in there at the start of the night, we're taking it at her pace so I expect she'll still be co-sleeping with us for a good while yet, but she's happy to do bedtime in there and to lie down in her little bed/be laid down in it once she's drifted off. Once she wakes up she comes straight through to us, but I'm fine with that. Slow and steady wins the race!
That it does! I think we’ll be taking a similar approach soon. Do you find her first stretch is longer in her “own” space?
No, I think it’s probably shorter, but the hope is it will stretch as she gets used to being in there 🤞🏻
Love this piece! Beautifully said. What stands out for me is this lesson I keep having to learn over and over: that all the lessons I learned (and all the praise I gave myself for things she learned
easily) mean nothing held up against the magnifying glass of the second child. What works for one might not work for all, and that’s ok!
The second child is a law unto themselves!
Man, this morning the little one was asleep on my arms in bed and he was giggling and laughing in his sleep and my god I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
Oh yeah, those moments are solid gold
Oh man, this is beautiful and made me tear up big time. 😭 My daughter is two and we still share my bed for sleep, but I know those days are numbered. Also, we must be on the same wavelength as I just published a piece on something similar today (cosleeping, sensitive babies with special sleep needs, etc)! It is so heartening to know that a lot of us moms share a similar journey in baby sleep. Sometimes I feel like the weirdo in my friend group. The one who sleeps with their child - *gasp!*
Someone literally gasped when I said I co-sleep recently, and acted really disgusted? I was livid 😂 I do think so many of us are doing it though, I know the majority of my friends do or have done
I loved your piece, so beautiful
ommmggg if someone actually gasped?! the audacity. I’m willing to be they don’t have kids haha.
She has three!! She went on to imply that my marriage is dead, which was a lot from someone I don't know, haha
Oh my goddddd it’s even worse than i imagined!!! People i swear 😩😂
Right 😂
I love your writing and find everything fascinating but what I REALLY would LOVE to know is where you got the wicker baskets in Peach’s room because I have been looking for wicker baskets constantly for the past week ❤️
Thank you! OK, SO, the one full of books doesn't appear to be available anymore, it was a Stacey Solomon one so I think they were limited edition. If you fancy a jazzier one though, her little rainbow one is still available: https://direct.asda.com/george/home/home-storage/natural-rainbow-large-storage-basket/051244134,default,pd.html?cgid=D26M21G01C03
I love this so much. My baby who I co slept with for 2 1/2 years just turned 10. Those days were hard, but I don’t ever regret the choice to co sleep.
I bet it feels so long ago, doesn’t it. My 4 year old co-slept with me for two years and it sometimes feels like it never happened. I don’t regret a second of it.
We paid (a lot) for a few sessions with a “sleep expert.” She spent the first 15 minutes giving some spiel about how humans are the only mammals who cannot walk or fend for themselves for years. Fine but not helpful re. Baby not sleeping.
Then, second session, she started delivering EXACTLY the same script - word for word. C’mon now?
It’s so annoying isn’t it? I did the training myself and am technically a qualified sleep educator (look at me, bragging) so I get that there are certain things they have to say and do for safety reasons, but honestly some of them are just so robotic. Like honestly, you’re being paid a small fortune, do SOMETHING helpful
This brings back memories. I bought that ridiculous angel care monitor (I think that's what it was called) that false-positive-beeped ALL THE FUCKING TIME but that was how I lived with my kid sleeping on her stomach. It was that, or we both die from extreme sleep deprivation.
Oh my god was that the little sock thing? A friend had one and said she was up most nights panicking when it said the baby had no heartbeat. The TRAUMA!
Sorry a bit late to reading this. Loved it, Charlotte!
Thanks so much, Amanda. Hope you’re getting more sleep than I am! 😂
I wish! Sleeping these days is sometimes like having a baby all over again. Only the baby's my husband. Every time he gets up, so do I. 😂
Oh no 😂
Cosleeping saved my sanity. BC I swore I would never, ever do it. But we also had a terrible sleeper who hated being put down and would instantly wake up, followed by a baby with reflux who could NOT sleep on his back. My kids are older now and in their own beds, but still feel safe crawling in with us when they get scared. There’s something to be said for that level of secure attachment (despite the months and years of being kicked in the kidneys).
Completely agree, I don’t know where I’d be if I hadn’t given into it. Certainly don’t think I’d have gone for the third! I think it does give them a real sense of ‘if I need her, she’s just in there,’ I’d imagine that helps more than hinders in the long run
Thank you for this, i’m not insane! My baby was similar to your 3rd, a good sleeper - until she wasn’t, around 5 months. She woke up in her bassinet in shorter and shorter intervals and although she did the same as your first - fell asleep quicklyish - on her night wakes she was distraught. She would wail and scream, her breath would hitch and she would practically shake with distress. She did not calm down but would pass out the second i picked her up when i eventually relented because she was getting more and more distressed.
My husband nixed it. Now, if she wakes, she comes in with me, cuddles in, and sleeps really well. She reaches out for me sometimes, and her little happy face sleeping curled up next to me brings me a joy i can’t explain.
What gets me is the people that think when i say scream i mean fussing. She screams, she is so clearly distressed and panicked as she sobs and can’t catch her breath there’s no mistaking it. This isn’t a grumbly protest; it’s i’m petrified. I’m glad she sleeps mostly ok next to me, otherwise i don’t know what i’d do.
Hey Lilibeth, hope you're well!
You are definitely not insane. Baby sleep is SO hard and SO unpredictable. I think the hardest part – and definitely the bit that's not talked about enough – is how isolating it can feel when your support network doesn't understand what the issue is, or why you're attending to it the way you are. I'm sorry your husband nixed your efforts, but I think it's great you are trusting your instincts, and giving your baby what she needs. It sound like you're doing an amazing job, and that joy when she's all curled up next to you is such a special reward
I completely get it, too, on the screaming. Pickle (the one I first ended up co-sleeping with) was a real screamer. He never, ever woke up and grumbled, he'd literally wake up shrieking. It was so jarring, and a horrible way to be woken, haha. As I said in the post, he then wouldn't go down without me, and to be honest trying to get him to do so just felt wrong – he was so clearly distressed and in need of me. He grew out of it, and I'm sure your daughter will too. In the meantime, take a moment to feel proud of all that you're doing. It's not bloody easy, but you're giving her exactly what she needs – you. You're smashing it.
Sending love and solidarity xoxo
Gotta do what ya gotta do. You won't get any guff from me. In solidarity.
Thank you, Maureen 💖
This was so beautiful, thank you for sharing it.
Thanks so much for reading, and for the restack. I've always really respected what you do, and how much your work helps people, so it means a lot that you shared :)